if there’s one thing in my life that i truly believe that God is in control of, one thing where I know He will come through for me, the one aspect I do not (and probably have never) worry about, it’s money.
which is funny, considering the other things i’m having trouble leaning on Him for.
how i wish i was as trusting of Him in the other aspects of my life. i mean, if He’s already taken care of my food and clothing, what more the other stuff, ya know? and yet i fuss and agonize, analyze and over-analyze, as to why i’m failing, why i’m frustrated over a certain aspect of my life. i wonder aloud as to why He hasn’t come through. i talk to my friends about it, to the point of exasperation, and they say differing versions of the same thing (TRUST!), but i’m loath to heed their advice.
i’ve made this excuse to myself: “i want to trust Him, but i don’t know how to. i don’t know what it looks like.”
when i look at how relaxed (or detached?) i am with money, i feel weird. almost as if i NEED to be worrying about it in order to feel normal. but i can’t. i just can’t. i’m just naturally at ease with it. no mantras or big declarations. just quiet assurance that: “He’ll come through. He’ll be there. He’s been there before.”
that’s when it hit me: i already know what trust looks like. it always just felt like a passive trust, but it’s trust!
see, i really really suck at making my own money, but that’s the beauty of it. because i know the impossibility of this feat, God demonstrates His faithfulness. i’ve always tithed, and He’s always come through. sure, it seems like an irregular cashflow (life of a freelancer!), but i’ve never lacked. i receive income in the most peculiar of ways (no, i don’t really sell my body to the night, as i may have led some of you to believe), but it’s income. and always at the right time. i’ve learned a couple of Biblical truths (most especially the Sermon on the Mount) about money and worry, and they’ve always been proven true.
and i look at those other aspects, and i see it: my attempts to take control. to take charge. to get the credit. i fall back on what i know, what i’ve observed in humanity, my common sense, and i’ve thought that it’s enough to get me by. then i feel like, since i’ve got this great worldview, i deserve what’s coming for me.
and when the disappointments come, i fall on my established worldview and start pointing fingers at the most reasonable targets: society, the government, blondes, the devil, God.
wow. no wonder, right?
i’m thankful for His grace that gives me breathing room to discover these things about myself, and time to correct it and come back to Him. i guess He’s been waiting all along for my surrender, my daily trust. passive and detached and naive and ridiculous, but still trust.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” Philippians 4:6-7